As Much as I Like You to be Around

Most of the times, we were in a distance. Whether there was literally a distance between us, or just myself distancing from you. We were always talking to different people about different things. Maybe I was laughing in a light conversation, but you were serious in a deep conversation.

I never observed you that much. Your sight was just a slight glance to me. Never my whole focus point. Your voice was just a part of instrument that blended into the whole background. Never as a culmination in an orchestra which stunned the whole audience.

Sometimes, our lines crossed paths. Maybe, you suddenly approached near me, although I know it wasn’t for me. Then you’d talk to someone near me, or to someone I was talking to. I didn’t interfere, I stepped back. If I joined in, things would get awkward. Sometimes it didn’t. But most of the times, it did.

If you didn’t approach me, then it was me. Reluctantly, with a hesitant. Usually when I have a matter with someone near you, or to someone you were talking to. Or maybe when I didn’t have a choice. Maybe when I looked like a lost kid, and your crowd was an oasis. Then I’d approach you.

Sometimes we just bumped into each other. We were walking from opposite direction to opposite destination. Or from opposite direction but reaching same destination. We would just say hi. Sometimes with small pep talk.

Sometimes we really have to interact in a long time, or in great depth. I can do that. As long as we’re talking about the main subject and never about each other, I can do that. But from our experience, it never ended well. I always thought that I could do better, or that it better never happened in the first place. After interacted with quite the intensity, we call it quits and forget about it as it never happened.

We were just strangers sometimes crossing our paths to each other, then drifts away again. You were just around me. Or actually, it was me who was just around you. You were always people’s focus point. Always the highest frequency. Your sight would bring people come to you, while my presence was invisible.

We were always in a distance. I was never in your sight. My voice was never in your frequency. But, is it strange that I felt it was enough for me?

It’s enough to have you around. It’s enough to see a second of glance of your presence. It’s enough to hear your voice arises then sinks amidst the crowds. Although I never looked at you, and you never looked at me, it was enough. I still expected it. I’m still happy that you’re around.

It’s been months since we last met, and since then I only see you in my dreams. I knew you never even dreamed of me, but it was enough for me.

You don’t have to step forward. I don’t have to hesitantly approach. If one of that happened, I was still happy, but doomed. I’d get all nervous although I didn’t show it, I couldn’t smile flexibly, my focus would be distorted. You can imagine how would I feel if we have to interact for so long.

As much as I like you to be around, I’d rather you weren’t. I’d still rather have you from a distance.