Day 1: Describe your personality
I am a closed book. At least, that’s what I think how I present myself in front of people. I keep telling myself, that even my bestest of friends or my family would only know 50–60% of me — of my thoughts. The rest, only God and I know. But they may know my habits better, or other things that I did.
I am an introvert. INFP, if you want the MBTI range. I am quiet, very quiet, in the middle of strangers. At first, I didn’t love the idea of me being told quiet. At high school, I hated the idea of other people thinking I’m quiet and shy because — they said it in such a negative connotation. Or so I thought. They make it seem like I’m a weird person, I’m not a fit person to mingle with their cool squad, I will always be left behind with that kind of personality. Even my seniors and teachers noticed that too. Hence at 1st year university, I tried to be more “open”, which didn’t end well. And that struck me that I just have to accept me the way I am. I’m not in denial anymore that I’m quiet and shy and awkward — because it’s true WITH STRANGERS. With close friends, I can be the loudest person, the most talkative, the most flexible and outgoing person ever. I think it sort of made my boundary visible to others, like I could be silent in a room then when a friend comes in, I’d get talkative and others may think “ah she’s comfortable with that friend”. It made my close friends a special people as well.
I am a people pleaser. A trait that I’m currently working to get rid of — or to lessen, at least. And I still hate the way I got angry. Because I’m a people pleaser, I tend to held back my anger. Sometimes I will just present a tired smile or forced laugh, or if they crossed more steps, I will unconsciously leave a bite remark or cynical face. If I reached the peak, however, I couldn’t even say a thing. I would just cry. And people who saw it (actually, I think I only showed that once in front of my friends at junior high school, and few in front of my family) will only think that I’m sad, or worse, a crybaby. But no, I was at the height of my anger! So it made me hesitant to show my anger to anyone, because I can barely control it myself.
I’m so clumsy! I also hated that because nothing good comes from that. It made me look weirder in front of others, and raises my daily dose of embarrassment. Just recently, I spilled some dish I made and almost got the lid broken. If I listed my clumsiness, that would be worthy of one essay. It would do myself disgrace so I won’t do that. But people around me already know I’m a clumsy person I guess. I wonder…will I be able to like someone without embarrassing myself first?
Hmmm…what else? I loved writing more than speaking. That, very obvious. Maybe it’s writing = reading > listening >>>> speaking. I still had stage frights sometimes due to my awkward nature. Or when I’m not preparing. Oh I’m also very forgetful! I can set my mind to do something, only to get distracted at other things and instantly forget the first intention. My mom said being forgetful at such young age is worrisome. I liked to walk back and forth when I’m thinking, or got too happy, or got too confused. Does that count as a personality?
I can’t think of anything else so here’s the last one. I’m also very… I don’t know how to put it in words, so I’ll just quote from Anne of Avonlea.
“You’ll probably have a good many more and worse disappointments than that before you get through life,” said Marilla, who honestly thought she was making a comforting speech. “It seems to me, Anne, that you are never going to outgrow your fashion of setting your heart so on things and then crashing down into despair because you don’t get them.”
“I know I’m too much inclined that way,” agreed Anne ruefully. “When I think that something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part IS glorious as long as it lasts…it’s like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud.”
So, yeah. Maybe “anticipated too much” “hopeful” “setting heart so on things” would be the correct words to describe one of my personality.
Nevermind, just remember the word. It’s “overthinking” lol.
This is a photo I took on 2017 in Bangka. It’s blurry because I got it from my LINE’s cover photo and I have yet to find the original photo. I think this one describes my personality? I could be a rainbow, but I’m covered with clouds to strangers. One has to tilt my clouds in order to see the rainbow. Hahahhahahah~
And this is the end of day 1 writing challenge! See you tomorrow! (if I can keep my motivation up)